Here are my top ten reasons why giving up wine in January is a really, really bad idea…….
1. Because it’s January. It’s dark, cold, raining, everyone’s broke, and, well, it’s January. Think of wine as a replacement for daylight. Wine therapy is much cheaper than light therapy, easier to find in Tesco, and can easily be combined with other leisure activities. I can’t imagine you’d be able to ring your friend, or look on Pinterest while you were having light therapy. And I’m fairly sure you couldn’t wear fluffy pyjamas either. Sounds rubbish if you ask me.
2. Because you don’t suddenly look ten years younger. Your ‘laughter lines’ haven’t disappeared overnight, and when you catch sight of yourself in the toilet mirrors at work at half three in the afternoon, you don’t find yourself thinking ‘wow, who’s that fresh faced, gorgeous, thirty something glamour puss, and what’s her secret?’
3. You haven’t lost a stone, and no, your size ten jeans still don’t fit. Clearly the rumours about how many calories wine contains are all untrue. Ditto the cheese and crackers.
4. Because your day has consisted of spreadsheets, budgets, emails, more spreadsheets, a few invoices, and teatime (see below), and the thought of a glass of wine at the end of it all would really help. Suddenly the answer to the formula wine+breaking bad has changed from ‘never achieving anything useful ever again ever’ to ‘bliss’.
5. Teatime. You just about made it through the front door in one piece. You’re drenched, are carrying 17 bags, and a penguin made out of a toilet roll holder (which is very delicate Mummy, so be careful – really? If it’s so f&%$ing delicate, wrap it in cotton wool, and carry it your bloody self!). You’ve just had a full scale row about what’s for dinner, as the dinner she devoured last week, gave you a hug for making because it was sooooo delicious, is apparently eeuucccggghh, disgusting! The cat has batted you on the head because she wants feeding right now dammit, you’ve ran out of cat food, and then you realise you’ve got dog poo on your boot. This time of day is commonly referred to amongst mothers as ‘wine o’clock’, and for good reason.
6. Because it costs you money. You may think you’ll save a chunk of money by not buying plonk for a week, but beware. Before you know it you’ll have treated yourself to a new jumper, a Dominos, and some patio furniture. This all adds up to about a zillion pounds, which is far more than you would have spent on a couple of bottles of cab sav.
7. Because it’s made of grapes, so counts as one of your five a day. By not drinking wine you are simply denying your body vitamins.
8. Because now you’re one of them. You’ve crossed over to the dark side. Before you know it you’ll be saying things like ‘oh, I rarely drink’, and ‘yes, we took the girls on a five mile hike around the peak district last weekend, they absolutely loved it’ and ‘mine are always in bed fast asleep by seven on the dot!’. You’ll start speaking in an overly earnest way, like the Mum out of Topsy and Tim. All your friends will disown you, and one day you’ll look in the mirror and realise that you’ve turned into a sanctimonious twit.
9. Bedtime. By now at least two of the three beings in the house (that being you, the child and the cat) have cried, things have been thrown, sometimes at you, and the neighbours are currently on Rightmove looking wistfully at detached properties. You’ve read seven stories, rearranged the blankets, and the cushions, been through three sets of pyjamas because they’re too hot / too cold / have got milk all over them, and ferrested around under the bed for ten minutes because she absolutely must have the pink fluffy unicorn that hasn’t been seen for weeks, because she CAN’T GET TO SLEEP WITHOUT IT!
10. Because it was a stupid idea in the first place, and if you hadn’t gone and asked people to sponsor you, for like a really really good cause like Cancer Research, you’d have given up by now…..http://www.justgiving.com/Selina-Hewlett-dryathlete2016