I don’t know about you, but I’ve decided that 2016 is going to be THE YEAR. The year that everything changes and I suddenly become the over achieving super woman that my best friend mistakenly believes I am; the power suit wearing, briefcase carrying, perfect hair styled woman that teenage me thought I would be. Yes, we had a clear vision of my future. It involved me tottering around my shag pile carpeted living room in my swanky flat, gin and tonic in hand, talking to my PA on the phone (obviously, she would be my PA) while a cute little baby played happily at my feet on the aforementioned shag pile carpet.
The cute baby is 4 now, and has never played happily at my feet while I talk on the phone, ever. She has screamed / raided the chocolate tin / hung off my cardigan and screamed some more, but never just played happily. I have learnt from experience that shag pile carpets and children are a terrible, terrible combination, and I don’t wear a power suit to work. So far then, things aren’t going exactly to plan.
But hey, like I said, 2016 is THE YEAR. I’m going to sort my life out, starting with these New Year’s resolutions….
1 – decide on a new life plan
As I’ve explained, things aren’t going to plan. I’m generally ok with this, as teenage me had no idea what 40 something me would be like, and can’t be held responsible for having got it completely and utterly wrong. I have no desire to wear a power suit, although I do still have a mid to long term goal of Fil being my PA.
I’ve had a lot of life plans over the years. Last week I made a folder on my laptop specifically to put all the life plan documents in, which gives you an idea of a) just how many plans I have, and b) how I’m borderline OCD. I hereby resolve to pick one, any one, and stick to it. For ever. Honestly. Ok, maybe just for a year. Or like a month or something.
2 – drink less wine
Before all the normal parents start laughing / booing me, let me explain the reasoning behind this most extreme, and quite frankly harrowing, choice of resolution. I’ve recently become aware of this simple formula which explains how productivity exponentially decreases when combined with certain activities:
Wine + discovery of Breaking Bad = achieve f**k all after 8.30pm, for the forseeable future
I did the maths on a post it, and by my reckoning if I don’t drink alcohol for a month I should be able to teach myself economics, write a novel, crochet a blanket and cook a Jamie Oliver Risotto, from scratch. If I last the year I’ll basically have saved the world.
3 – beware of donkeys falling from the sky
In the words of the wise sage Edward Monkton:
Beware the deadly donkey,
Falling from the sky,
You can choose the way you live my friend,
But not the way you die.
I went to visit my sister recently, and noticed this card I’d sent her years ago, stuck on her fridge. I’ve re-adopted it as my life mantra, and keep randomly quoting it to people. They don’t always get it, in which case I have to explain the picture that goes with it, and then the look of confusion on their faces turns to one of mistrust with a hint of fear – I can see they’re thinking ‘who is this cray woman, and why is she talking to me about donkeys falling from the sky?’
So there we have it, my resolutions for 2016. I’m hoping that by writing them down and putting them on the interweb for all to see, I’ll be more likely to a) remember them after next Tuesday, and b) be forced to stick to them, at least a bit more so than if they were only in my head, in which case I could easily have given up by teatime. Happy New Year everyone, and good luck with yours!
PS. if anyone would like to help me stick to resolution number 2, you can make me feel morally obligated not to drink wine in January, and support Cancer Research at the same time, by donating here…